Will somebody please vote for me?

Today, I am humbly announcing my candidacy for Congress. I have not decided which state or district to run in, only that I am the only candidate who can represent it. I am an SIUE graduate, with a degree in theatre, which gives me credentials far beyond those of my opponent, whoever that may be. I alone can represent the interests of the people in mind and I will represent those interests in Congress, unless a lobbyist pays me more money. My background is a typical American success story. I was born in the coal mining country of West Virginia to a poor family with 18 siblings. My father was laid off from the mines as part of the Green New Deal and my mother was a seamstress who kept very busy keeping her children from being naked.

I left West Virginia in search of a better life in the hills of Hollywood when I was a teenager. After several bouts with drugs and alcohol, I was fortunate to find love with a TV star and lived well for a while. One day, her series was canceled and she was gone, and I left Hollywood on my pastor’s private jet.

I knew that my future lie with the poor and downtrodden people of the Midwest, so I diverted the jet from the Seychelles to St. Louis. It was the most downtrodden place I could find, although the pilot unable to find it, flew past it twice. After a few years working at Anheuser Busch and Boeing (in order to appreciate what a working man must face), I decided to use my acting skills and a large amount of cash to pursue a political career.

But, before I could do that, I had to pay my dues as a social worker. I went back to school for an MSW in social work at Yale and graduated kumbaya. Through that work, I learned that I never wanted to be like “those people” who depended upon the government to survive. No, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps when I was younger, sort of, and so can they. We don’t need the government to feed the poor, provide jobs, take care of children or older adults. They can just do that themselves. Isn’t that the American Way? It was then that I knew I was a conservative because I am a self-made man and succeeded through the sweat of my own brow. So, I decided to be a moderate Republican, representing what is best for me and my interests. My acting skills surely will come in handy. My platform is simple. It is to eliminate all social programs and use those funds to pay for the military, (which, I hear, gives the biggest kickbacks to members of Congress for supporting unnecessary secret weapons programs). I can’t live on $174,000 per year along with my interest-bearing account income. So, I am here today asking not only for your vote, which it is not in your best interests, but for contributions so I can say that big corporations and the wealthy did not buy me, er, fund my campaign. I am and remain beholden to no one but the people and my financial advisor, who tells me he can match my investments and increase my return to protect against becoming Middle Class.

In short, I stand for everything that is good and stand against everything that is bad. If you believe as I believe you will have a congressman you can believe in.

Therefore, I ask that you suspend your disbelief and vote against your best interests to put a real, self-made man into government so he can dismantle it. My slogan is, “Honesty or Integrity!”

Jim Grandone is a long-time resident of Edwardsville. Grandone holds a bachelor’s in political science from the University of Illinois at Springfield and was a Coro Fellow and serves on a variety of boards. He lives in Leclaire with his wife, Mary.


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